Honoring our Gay Friends: Decision Time

I posted a few weeks back about a dilemma I was facing in regards to our ceremony: how to honor the fact that our gay friends are not allowed to marry and make it clear that we have not forgotten them in their struggle for equality, while not riling up our more conservative guests to the point that they want to walk out.

I wanted to thank you all for your comments and the respectful dialogue that you all created because it really helped clear my thoughts on the issue and played a big part in the decision that Mr. Star and I made.

Most of you felt that it would be perfectly reasonable to make mention of our beliefs during the ceremony. Those of you who didn't mostly felt that it was due to the fact that a wedding ceremony is not about politics. And I totally agree, weddings should not be about politics. But to us, the issue of gay civil rights is not just a political issue played out on the national political stage while we stand on the sidelines as spectators. It is an issue that affects the day-to-day lives of many of our friends who are being gracious enough to come celebrate our wedding, even as they still fight for the right to have their own.

No one would feel that it was wrong or "too political" to mention the American Cancer Society or to donate towards the fight for a cure if one of our grandfathers had passed away from lung cancer, yet tobacco legislation is a political issue that is hotly contested up on Capitol Hill. So I don't think it's too unreasonable for us to expect some respect for the ideals we feel are important to mention in our wedding ceremony, much like I respect many religious sentiments that I don't agree with when they are incorporated into my friends' wedding ceremonies.

Do I think that it will change people's minds? Maybe, maybe not. Some of Mr. Star's family has become much more accepting of gay people in their lives since they've spent some time with our many gay friends, so who's to say it won't help? And even if it doesn't, we will feel good about making it known that we have not forgotten about, waffled on, or glossed over what we believe is right.

Momma Star and I sat down together to finish sculpting the text of our ceremony together, and while I'm planning on doing a few posts about writing your own ceremony (post-wedding, of course!), I thought I'd share a little excerpt with you all, since you were such a big part of our decision process:

And as we remember those who are not with us today, we also extend a loving welcome to those of us here today who cannot, by law, take the step Kate and Dan are taking today.  Kate and Dan have taken to the streets more than once raising their voices for your cause, and they know an occasion such as this one can be difficult for you to watch. We thank you for sharing in this ceremony anyway.  In a just world, we will all be free to make a lawful, lifetime commitment to our soul mates, no matter who they are.  Kate and Dan commit to continuing in their efforts to see that just world arrive soon.   Kate promises she will sing at your own wedding.  And Dan promises not to.

Rounding out a very serious issue with some humor, respect for others, and a whole lotta hope for the future.

Thank you, each and every one of you who commented, for your input and respect. If only the whole world was as kind and supportive as Weddingbee, it would be a very different place.

What difficult issues did you grapple with when planning your ceremony?

Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, Cover It Up!

This has definitely been the hardest young-ish bride post for me to write because it's not something that I usually like to admit to. Well, not to anyone except Mr. Star.

Many times during this nearly two-year process of engagement, I've gotten nervous or stressed or anxious or scared about [insert ridiculous wedding detail / legitimate marriage anxiety / partially unresolved divorced parents issue here].

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A lot of times I get super duper nervous, like Mrs. Cheese. I also worry about all the details like Mrs. Powderpuff. Sometimes, I just get those normal bridal butterflies. No matter what, I feel like I have to hide it.

Why is that? I have a loving family and wonderful friends with whom I talk about nearly everything. So why would this be any different?

I think the answer is somehow twisted up in the fact that I'm a young-ish bride. Along the way, we've met with some reticence about us getting married so young from family, friends, and acquaintances alike, which has caused me to feel throughout our engagement that I needed to be proving why we were doing this and how strong a couple we are together.

I'm probably not alone in being a young-ish bride who feels the need to constantly keep up a brave front about my wedding nerves for the sake of calming the nerves of those around me who are worried about my young age.

The thing is, I think wedding nerves are pretty healthy, actually. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about "should I call off the wedding or not?" type nerves. I'm talking about the earnest, heartfelt nerves that you get when you're making any life-changing decision or starting off in a new life direction -- the kind of nerves you get the night before you move into your first college dorm room, the kind of nerves you get when you break tradition and actually ask a guy out on a date, or the kind of nerves you get when you know you're about to make the decision about the person who will be your partner for life, through thick and thin.

Nerves are normal and healthy for people who really think about the levity and depth of the decisions they're making...or, at least they are for me. I'm once again lucky to have Mr. Star, who makes me feel totally comfortable in telling him when I'm feeling nervous and is understanding enough to know that it has nothing to do with him or us, it's just something that I'm going through because my life is changing forever.

I'm done trying to hide it from other people, though. I've decided to tell people when I'm feeling nervous.

Person: "So, big day is coming up -- you getting nervous yet?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, I am a bit nervous, but I think that's normal. I'm also super excited!"

Have you felt like you had to conceal your wedding nerves and pretend to always be a calm bride (young-ish and not so young-ish brides alike!)?

Movin' on up!

Sorry to have been a little les active around the hive for the past week or so! Mr. Star and I have been moving apartments and it has taken quite the toll on us, especially with just over a month until the wedding! I definitely lifted some things on moving day that I shouldn’t have (like one end of the air conditioner and some large IKEA pieces) and totally pulled something in my back, too!

I had intended to move in the spring of next year, once wedding fever had died down and things were less crazy, but we have been having a dispute with our landlord over some serious maintenance issues (don’t get me started on how long we’ve been forced to sleep on the couch because of it) and we got him to agree to let us out of the lease before things escalated.

Lucky for us, we got a seriously spiffy new place! We’ve moved from a fourth-floor walkup with a view of the alley, to this:

And did I mention it has five closets (up from ONE!), level floors, more square footage, an ice maker, and a brand new kitchen and bathroom?? Much as I loved our first place, two out of the four kitchen drawers didn’t open. Period.

Even though it was unintentional, we’ve ended up getting what is pretty much a newlywed home! It’s really exciting to get a new place right as we’re getting married because it feels like even more of a fresh start to a whole new life.

As I’ve been griping about having to move so close to the wedding (hello, stress!), many of the Bees have consoled me with the fact that it would have been much worse to move AFTER the wedding and have to move alllll the wedding gifts and my dress and so on. I see the logic in that argument, especially after how much stuff we accumulated just from my bridal shower. However, we did have to move 8 plastic bins and 6 or 7 big boxes full of centerpieces, ceremony décor, my veils, the mask-favors, and more, so it kind’ve feels like a wash at this point.

What do you think – was it an easier move because it was pre-wedding gifts? Were you already living together and did you move right around the time you got married? How did your new married home feel different from your old “dating” home?

A Bee's Life: Star in the Spotlight

How I got started blogging:

I totally used to be one of those fourteen-year-old girls who had a livejournal account with dozens of silly entries talking about everything from the boy I liked at the time to the poetry I'd been working on. So it makes perfect, logical sense for me to have an inner blogger that was just waiting to emerge! It's only shocking to me how long it took for me to really discover the world of blogging as a grown-up!

I started my personal blog, Diary of a Manhattan Actress, about a year and a half ago, right after we moved into New York City. Mr. Star was working a lot and I was making a concerted effort to explore the city as much as possible. I saw some crazy things and often wished that I had more people to share them with who would understand my passion for the city. I also loved sharing some of the wacky experiences that you inevitably have when you're working as a NY actress! 

Why I decided to apply to Weddingbee:

I had been reading Weddingbee and yearning to become a Bee blogger for months. I commented on posts and board threads every now and again, but mostly tried to keep my mouth shut, for fear of giving away any of our wedding details in the unlikely event that I became a Bee! I kept talking about applying, but was always too afraid to try. Plus, I didn't even have a wedding blog to show for myself at this point! 

Finally, Pengy posted about the new generation of Weather Bee icons that were being unveiled and this just about pushed me over the edge. I wanted to be Miss Star SO BAD! I mean, how perfect was that icon for me? And yet, I still just pined to be a Bee for days and kept whining to Mr. Star about it. Finally, he turned to me and said, "You have GOT to apply. I don't know why you don't think you'd get accepted, but I know you're never going to be satisfied unless you blog for Weddingbee, so do it!" He knows me so well. I probably never would have gotten over my fear of being rejected without him pushing me to write and encouraging me when I felt like no one would want to hear about our wedding. So I started a whole new blog and wrote about what I felt like were some of the more interesting and unique parts of our wedding.

Why I got picked to be a Bee (umm, I think...):

Besides Mr. Star's encouragement, there are a few reasons why I think I am now a Bee. One, I had good timing. I knew that there had been a lot of recent Bee weddings and that the time was ripe for applying. Two, I knew what was potentially interesting and unique about our wedding and how to sell it. I was really worried that because our wedding is in New York and Mrs. Swan was already writing about her New York wedding, that we wouldn't have a unique enough perspective to offer. So in my application I emphasized a few things: 

• How young I am and how I thought younger brides didn't have enough representation on the blog!
  
• Our willingness to really let the wedding represent us, even if it meant doing something totally different like getting married in a theater
  
• The fact that our wedding is being done relatively affordably in a major metropolitan area
  
• How much Weddingbee has been an emotional support system for me and that I want to help pass that on to other frazzled brides

Those were the things that I thought were my strongest suits as a potential Miss Blogger and I was ready to sell, sell, sell!

I've also found from the several Bees I've met in person that they are exactly how you would expect them to be in real life. I think that's an indication that Bees are really great at letting their individual voices come out in their posts! I try to always write how I would talk, even if it makes me sound a little goofy or spazzy sometimes!

Why Miss Star?:

I guess it's probably pretty obvious by now why I would choose "Miss Star" as the cover for my top-secret identity :) I thought it was too perfect to pass up, although I was initially a little torn between Star and Cavalier, since we have our little Cavalier pup! I was also secretly hoping that the obvious perfection of the nickname Star would help me get picked, although I now know that had nothing to do with it!

What the experience has been like:

I love sharing the ups and downs of wedding planning with such an immensely supportive group of ladies (with a few guys thrown in for good measure!). And when even just one bride comments on one of my posts saying that she's inspired to try a craft project I've shown or that I've made her feel so much better about being a young-ish bride, it makes all the time and effort spent worth every second!

Blogging for Weddingbee has become one of my favorite things to do (what am I going to do after recaps??) and being a part of this community has taught me how to be such a much better bride and wedding guest alike! I have learned how to be so much less judgemental about people's choices and have even made some really special internet friends :) A year ago, I would have scoffed at people who had made friends they met on the internet, but now I'm happy to say that I have lots of them and don't regret it for a second!

Honoring our Gay Friends

During the process of writing our own ceremony, I've come up against a few logistical issues that have me stumped. One of these is how to acknowledge our many gay friends and our appreciation for their support of an institution that they are not yet allowed to partake in.

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You see, like many others, we have a lot of very special people in our lives who are homosexual. And marriage equality has become an issue that has meant a lot to me in recent years -- Mr. Star and I have participated in many rallies and marches in support of our friends. In fact, when we go to the marriage bureau to apply for our marriage license, it will be bittersweet for us. Sweet, because we will be thrilled to be getting one step closer to being married. Bitter, because the last time we were there was during a protest that many had hoped would change things for the better in New York State.

Most of our family and friends feels as we do, but we do have a few family members who do not. I'm straddling the line between being true to our beliefs and our values on our wedding day and not offending those who don't agree. I want to make our wedding ceremony about us and what we believe, but I'm trying not to be an inconsiderate bride, as well. The line is narrow, indeed.

I'd also love to hear from anyone with the perspective of having been at a wedding when you yourself were not allowed to get married -- would you find a mention of it thoughtful or offensive? I'm just trying to get some feedback about what people think the best way to honor our friends and our beliefs is.

The way I see it, we have one of a few options.

1. Have one of our friends do a reading about it during the ceremony. Something like a short excerpt from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, maybe? Any better ideas?
   
2. Have my stepfather make a short, slightly-veiled reference to everyone being able to marry whomever they choose sometime during the marriage address
   
3. Don't mention it out loud at all and just put a note in the program
   
4. Include it in a toast at the reception and leave it out of the ceremony altogether
5. Avoid the issue and don't mention it at all

If marriage equality is an important issue to you, how have you come up with ways to honor it in your own wedding?

Stepfather = Officiant

Well, it's official: my Stepfather is legally allowed to marry people in the city and state of New York!

Yep, you heard that right, my Stepfather is going to be our wedding officiant!

How did this come about, you may wonder? Well, as many of you may know, it can be pretty tough planning a wedding when you have divorced and remarried parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my stepparents. I always say, why would I be upset to have four parents who love me instead of just two? However, wedding traditions can get a bit sticky when your family tree is anything but tall and straight.

It's even tougher (and also more awesome!) when your Stepfather has been around since you were 15 and has become a major parental figure in your life. Who walks you down the aisle? Who dances with you? Who contributes financially? It's all very complicated.

I tossed around various ideas for months: maybe they could each walk me down the aisle halfway? Maybe one could do the aisle and one could do the dance? Maybe I could walk down the aisle with my mom or by myself and avoid the issue altogether? Nothing seemed right.

One day, an idea dawned on me as I remembered a story my Stepfather once told me about getting himself registered to be a minister with the Universal Life Church way back in the 70's on a lark. For those of you who don't know, anyone can register with the ULC online in order to perform wedding ceremonies. It was how Joey was able to marry Monica and Chandler on Friends, for those of us Friends nerds out there.

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The laws on whether or not ULC ordained ministers can legally perform wedding ceremonies vary widely from state to state, but most accept it no problem and almost all accept it with a little bit of legwork. I did some research on New York State laws and most sources I came across said it wasn't difficult at all, except in New York City -- of course! I was really discouraged by what I read about how strict NYC is about registering officiants, but I am here to tell you it really wasn't difficult at all!

If you are getting married in NYC and want the person of your choice to be able to marry you, all you have to do is:

1. Go to this site and register them with the ULC

2. Then visit the NYC Marriage Bureau site to fill out an online application and print the signature page; have your officiant sign it

3. Within three weeks, mail to the office the following required paperwork at 141 Worth St, NY, NY 10003:

• signed signature page
• $15 check for the NYC registration fee
• all the paperwork the ULC sends you -- ordination certificate, verification letter, and copy of church's articles of incorporation
• and a photocopy of the officiant's driver's license

And voila! Your friend/family member/college roommate is legally allowed to officiate your civil ceremony!

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For us, this is really exciting. We aren't aligned with a particular faith, so we were having a hard time choosing an officiant in the first place. This allows us to have someone really meaningful to us do the marrying! It also gives my Stepfather a role of honor in our big day. And it saved us about $250-300 just by not having to hire an officiant (dress money, hello?)! Possibly the coolest part is that it means we get to write our whole ceremony from start to finish to be exactly what we want it to be. Of course, the downside is that we get to write our whole ceremony! It's been pretty overwhelming working on it, but I know it will be so incredibly rewarding when it's all finished.

Who is marrying you? Will your officiant have special meaning to you? Would you consider having someone special to you do the honors?

Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, Growing Up TOGETHER

One of the most common arguments against getting married at our age that I've come against is the belief that we will eventually grow apart. Is this a possibility? For sure. But isn't it always, no matter your age?

Reader Veil Tales was kind enough to send me this Washington Post article, which refreshingly argues in favor of young marriage. One of my favorite parts of the article states:

But what really matters for making marriage happen and then making it good are not matches, but mentalities: such things as persistent and honest communication, conflict-resolution skills, the ability to handle the cyclical nature of so much of marriage, and a bedrock commitment to the very unity of the thing. I've met 18-year-olds who can handle it and 45-year-olds who can't.

True enough.

Mr. Star and I have had a deep and intense connection that neither of us can fully explain ever since the very beginning of our relationship, but we both know that it will take more than that to keep a (hopefully!) 60 or 70 year relationship running. We know and expect that as people and as a unit we will change as we age and continue to "grow up," so to speak. Of course, this is true of any couple, no matter their age, but it's especially important for young-ish couples to accept and work with. These are some of the things that have worked for us so far:

Actively taking the time to talk and "check in" : One of the best things we do for our relationship is making sure we have the time to have truly meaningful conversations with each other, whether it be about how we want to raise our kids or what our goals for the next six months are or how we feel like our relationship has been over the past few weeks. We usually do this in bed before we fall asleep or we walk around the city at night holding hands (the hand-holding is crucial!) and bare our souls. I think a lot of couples do this, no matter their age, especially at the beginning of a relationship. The key part for us has been making sure we continue to make the time, as three years in, sometimes it's easy to let the daily grind take over and leave you disconnected as a couple.

Creating rituals together : A really big part of growing together for us has been the process of creating "rituals" together that keep us connected and give us stories and inside jokes. Some of the most important of these rituals that we have created center around the holidays traditions that we have worked to create for the Star household. We each had our own traditions with our own families, but we have been working to pick and choose from those family traditions and add in some new things to create special holiday rituals of our own that are special to us. Another way we do this can be seen more in the day-to-day: for instance, Mr. Star always makes it a point to come meet me at the subway station whenever I'm coming home from a rehearsal or work late at night. This gives us a chance to spend time together and gives us a little "tradition" of our own. It's things like this that we feel deepen our bond.

Finding a happy place : Sometimes the stress of it our hectic lives gets the best of us and we just need a place to go chill and get back to what's important. To some people, this might be the top of a mountain, to others it might be church, but to us, it's the lawn in Bryant Park after dark. We love lying down in the middle of the park together at night; for some reason, it always centers us. This is our happy place:

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Relationship reading : Knowing that we're young and that we still have a lot to figure out, we've taken some active steps to creating a healthy and lasting relationship. One of these has been to read some books on relationships together, which we think has really helped us. We've taken some concrete steps to improve our relationship because of them, but our favorite part about doing this has been the conversations that the books have sparked! One of the best ones we've read so far has been The Five Love Languages, already reviewed in-depth by Miss Duckling!

Sharing a common thread : For us, the major common interest we share is the showbiz industry. Even if we don't both work in it forever, I know it will always be something we can talk about and relate on. For many couples, their common thread isn't work-related, it just so happens to be with us. Otherwise, we're total opposites! It's nice to at least have something that binds us, other than love, of course!

Commitment to making it work : This is something that I've struggled with myself, which I think is (at least partially, I know well enough to take some of the credit for myself!) fallout from being a child of divorce. But I think this is one of, if not THE key factor in marriages that really last. Mr. Star is admirably unwavering in his commitment to being with me absolutely, no matter what, 100%. He is my example of how you should approach your marriage in this regard and I have learned a lot from him. Not that I ever thought, "oh well, this isn't a permanent thing," but sometimes I am stricken with fear at the possibility that we won't always want to be together, but the thing is, it's a choice. And we both choose to be together. Forever.

Exploring the world together : One of my favorite things about being a young-ish couple is that we are getting to have so many "firsts" together. Our honeymoon will be Mr. Star's first trip overseas, for example. Our first apartment together was our first time living away from our parents and outside of a dorm. Mr. Star has tried so many new ethnic foods with me and I attended my first real rock concert with him. You can't buy that kind of lifelong foundation.

Creating a family : Even though we don't have kids yet (and aren't ready for them for at least several years), we consider ourselves a family. We have Puppy Star and Kitty Star who we spoil like children and we all treat each other like a family unit. I think having pets has really cemented for us the fact that we're not just a loving boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, we are a family. That also gives us strength.

Teaching each other about relationships : There's always more to learn about each other and about how to be better partners. We both have taught each other a great deal in our three years together. Mr. Star has taught me how to be more selfless and how to enjoy the present moment more, just as an example, and we continue to teach each other how to be better people every day. In the article I mentioned previously, the author makes another really great point:

Marriage actually works best as a formative institution, not an institution you enter once you think you're fully formed. We learn marriage, just as we learn language, and to the teachable, some lessons just come easier earlier in life.

So he's comparing learning about marriage to something like learning a foreign language -- it's A LOT easier when you start younger. Point two for us! :)

Encourage the other's interests : Rather than stifling each other's interests, we each try to take interest in them. Even if I don't want to watch football every weekend, I know his favorite player. And even if Mr. Star doesn't know much about dog training, he still cheers me and Puppy Star on when we learn a new trick. I think this is especially important for young-ish couples because a lot of times we don't know exactly who we are and what we want out of life at 23, so it's extra crucial that we allow ourselves and our partners the chance to figure all of that stuff out.

A lot of these things might seem obvious. And sure, to a lot of people they are. But they weren't always obvious to us and they're not things that either of us have had in previous relationships. And sure, they apply to couples of all ages. But I think it's especially important for young-ish couples who may not have had as much life and relationship experience to keep them in mind. And sometimes us young-ish couples have to try a little extra hard to overcome the natural selfishness and naivete of being in our early 20's (nobody likes you when you're 23, anyone?).

We have already changed so much since we first fell in love: we've gone from sharing a dorm room to living in Manhattan and chasing our dreams, we've gone from bonding over a mutual hatred of cafeteria food to learning how to cook for ourselves and each other, we've gone from writing love notes during class to popping off the subway a stop early to visit each other at work. So much has changed for the better and for the more complicated (as transitioning into adulthood is prone to cause), but we are nothing but more connected and more of a team. We have already weathered many difficult storms, and I know that we will continue to weather what is to come.

How do you and your fiance make the effort to grow together?

Trusting my "Bachelor"

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Everyone knows about the stereotype of the crazy, controlling bride who dictates what her husband-to-be and best buds can and can't do for his bachelor party. Apparently, even though our groomsmen know nothing else about wedding planning or traditions, even they know about this stereotype (either that, or they just think I'm nuts, which is also possible).

As it turns out, Mr. Star's guys have been planning his bachelor party for some time now and Mr. Star told me the other day how humorous he found it that they were all taking such pains to keep any and every detail from my knowledge. Even my brother has been sworn to secrecy under pain of death because of his relationship to me -- and he agreed wholeheartedly!

The thing is, I don't really care. True story. If Mr. Star wants to see a naked woman jump out a cake, he can be my guest. I'm fully confident in the fact that he doesn't, but that's an issue for him and his groomsmen to work out ;)

I trust Mr. Star with my whole heart and believe that he would probably be willing to be involved in even less crazyness than what I would deem to be perfectly acceptable. My ex-boyfriend and I once had a big fight over him possibly heading to a strip club, which I now think was a combination of my silliness and the fact that he didn't make me have enough faith in us to not be worried about the rest. My trust in Mr. Star is a credit to how he treats me, because I am so totally secure in how head-over-heels in love with me he is that I'm completely unconcerned about what may or may not transpire at his bachelor party. Maybe that's naive, but I don't think so.

Are you worried about what your guy and his buddies might get into at his bachelor party or are you unconcerned?

Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, Mrs. = Boring?

I feel like this is how our single friends see us 

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From what I hear, it's pretty common for engaged couples and newlyweds of all ages and persuasions to have a hard time continuing to relate to their single, unmarried friends. I never really understood how that could be until it started happening to me, and then it suddenly started to make a lot of sense how it could happen to anyone.

One thing that I think is different for young-ish couples, though, is the proportion of single, unmarried friends that you're likely to have and how weird or unnatural they think it is for you to be taking the next step. Let me explain.

The other day I was having coffee with one of my dearest single friends. She has been nothing but supportive of my relationship with Mr. Star, but couldn't stop expressing how she doesn't understand being in a place in your life where you're ready for marriage -- and that's fine. I don't hold it against her because I probably wouldn't understand either if I was her! The hard part for the young-ish bride (and groom!) is how isolating an experience it can be when pretty much all of your friends feel that way. Fairy bridesmaid and her husband are really the only married couple in our group of college friends, which just so happens to be a group of friends who pretty much all moved into New York City and remain quite close even a year after graduation.

What this means for me is that I've been drifting away from the group of friends that has kept me happy and sane for many years now. I still have coffee dates with some of those girls, but I usually politely decline their invitations to parties and bar-hopping. Not that I don't still like to have a good time, I just often end up feeling awkward because I can't relate to what they're going through and they don't understand where I'm coming from. I never would have thought that marriage would wedge such a gap between us, but it has. It has.

Fairy bridesmaid and I have both talked expressed this strange feeling that we'd rather go home and have dinner with our husbands than drink at a crazy party with all of our college ladies, which has surprised us because we both used to love a good party in college! And we've both noticed that, as time goes on, people have been inviting us to fewer and fewer parties because they can sense that we're not that into it. That makes us both feel like "lame, old married women," but what are we supposed to do?

Mr. Star and I have found that we really enjoy having dinner parties or game nights or going out for cocktails with other couples now -- the trouble is 1. how not to lose touch with the college friends that we really care about, and 2. how to find couple friends who are our age.

Have any of you dealt with drifting away from your friends? What about feeling like you've become boring? How do you cope?

Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, The Vendor Bender

One of the other unforeseen age-related issues that we have run into while planning our wedding is one that many of you brought up in your comments: getting vendors to take us seriously as adults.

As I've mentioned before, not only are Mr. Star and I actually young-ish, but we look even younger. I have been able tell from the look on their faces that a lot of these Manhattan vendors have not taken us seriously from the moment we walked in. A few vendors have actually said something out loud about it.

There's one really simple fix for this: don't give them your money. I have walked away from one florist who didn't seem to be taking me seriously, and there are so many amazing vendors out there who will be thrilled and excited to be working on your wedding (there really are, it's great)! 

If, however, there's some reason why you can't just pick up and change vendors (like there's only one florist in town or you're really in love with your venue like we are), there are a few things you can try!

1. Professionalism in your interactions. A lot of us use half a dozen exclamation points or misspelled wordz (haha, I can't pull that one off) in our facebook wall posts or instant messaging. I am totally guilty of this myself. But when it comes to emailing a potential wedding vendor, that kind of stuff has to go. This may seem obvious, but I think it really makes a big difference when you take the time to write a cohesive, edited email.

2. Dress up! I'm a big proponent of dressing nicely to get people to take you seriously. Sad as it may be, people do judge you by the way you look and how you present yourself. I never went to meet with a vendor without making sure I looked nice. I even made Mr. Star throw on a nice shirt and coat to come with me to put the deposit down on our loft:

I didn't get him out of jeans, but he's at least wearing a sports coat!

3. Have a clear idea of what you want and what your budget is. Even though I don't know a lot about flower names or how many tiers of cake I needed, I always brought inspiration pictures along with me to show my vendors. Many of them really appreciated getting a look at what I wanted when I wasn't able to clearly articulate it in an expert way and I think it helped them to take me seriously as an adult who knows what she wants. One thing I didn't always do was walk into a meeting knowing exactly what I was able to spend and I now think that was a mistake. 

4. Know what is and isn't fair. Have an idea of what comparable vendors are charging in your area. This is the best way to not get taken advantage of, no matter what your age.

5. Research the vendor and his or her past work/events. I tried to do my homework on each vendor before I went in to talk with them by checking our their online portfolios or researching reviews on yelp! or Weddingbee, if possible! This gives you something to chat about with your vendor, lets him or her know that you know what you're talking about, and might even inspire you for your own wedding!

Hopefully, some of these tips will help you and your young-ish sweetie get taken seriously when you meet with the people who are helping to create your special day. 

What vendor troubles have you run into? Have all of yours taken you seriously?

Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, Family Matters

First off, let me say that I absolutely love how my last post touched so many of you young-ish brides out there. It was really amazing to read all of your stories and know that I'm not even close to being alone in struggling with this issue.

So in my quest to continue to help you young-ish brides out there (and in turn get the support of you wonderful bees out there!), I bring you the latest installment in the series: family issues.

Many of you wrote poignant comments about how young your parents got married and how many decades they had made it so far, which I loved reading. My parents were also married young: my mother was 21 and my father was 24. My parents, however, were not quite as lucky. They were married for twelve years (pretty unhappily) and got divorced just before I turned 13. They now are on such poor terms that they do not speak at all.

This, needless to say, did not create warm, fuzzy feelings in my parents about the prospect of my getting married in my early twenties.

Now Mr. Star and I knew we were meant for each other just a couple of short months into our relationship. It was a scary feeling to me knowing that I had found my husband when I was only 20 years old, but I knew deep down inside that he was the one many months before I was ready to say it out loud. Shortly after we were separated for 10 days while I went on an overseas trip with my family and shortly before our one year anniversary, we started talking about getting married and were each surprised by the other feeling ready and sure of our decision.

Mr. Star then had the gumption to ask not just one set of my parents, but two separate sets of parents (Mother/Stepfather and Father/Stepmother) if they would give their blessing to him asking for my hand. My mom consented, but asked that we wait a couple of years before getting married. My father gave him a pep talk and approved, but I later found out from my stepmom that he wished we would take our time marrying, as well. Neither had a problem with Mr. Star himself, but both were concerned about our age.

It is no accident that we have been engaged for nearly two years. My mom even joked at my bridal shower that she had asked us to wait two years and we were getting married nearly two years to the day that Mr. Star asked her for her approval.

I will freely admit that my parents were initially unenthusiastic about wedding planning because of their concern. That made it really difficult to be excited about being engaged at first and caused some hurt feelings on my part.

Why I tell you all this, though, is because I want to give those of you with unsupportive parents some hope. My parents have really come around over the past two years and have both become incredibly helpful in wedding planning lately. My dad and stepmom have helped me assemble aspects of our centerpieces (more on them later!) and my mom is flying all the way to New York from Florida for my dress fitting in September. If you currently have unsupportive parents (for whatever reason), I feel for you, I really do. It's hard. I know. I thought I'd share a few things that helped us move past that, in case they can be of help to any of you:

• Giving our families time to adjust. This was the biggest factor for us, in my opinion. Sometimes your families might just need more time to get used to a major life change like engagement, or sometimes they might need to spend more time watching how the two of you function together before feeling comfortable with your relationship. Either way, if your parents being happy and excited for you is important to you personally, it's worth it to have a long engagement, in my opinion.
  
• Working on getting settled together in other ways before getting married. We had lots of other stuff to do like get an apartment together, graduate from college, start getting our careers off the ground, getting a dog together, etc. I think our parents really benefited from seeing us functioning together as an adult team. We had to weather some storms, too, and I think it helped ease their fears that we were able to cope and work together through them.
  
• Talking to our parents about why we work together. Mr. Star and I both made big efforts to talk each other up to our parents whenever we got the chance. We tried very hard to emphasize why we think we work and what we love about each other. I always tell Momma Star about the sweet things Mr. Star does.
  
• Acknowledging that we're young. We know that we're a young-ish couple. Neither of us try to deny it. In fact, we try to use it to our advantage in our relationships with the in-laws. Whenever we're going through some tough stuff, we each use that opportunity to get advice from the other's family and it brings us closer. I think they all really respect that we're mature enough to know that we don't know everything.
• Growing into a family with the in-laws. We've also both tried really hard to make our in-laws family. We spend holidays together, we send birthday cards, we call when their days aren't going so well...you get the point. While this is something that will always continue to grow and evolve, I think it's made a big difference that we're tried so hard to integrate into each other's families.

One thing that we didn't do right was continuing to include them in our wedding plans. I was so frustrated at their lack of wedding enthusiasm, that I started to make decisions about colors, dresses, and other fun things thinking that they just didn't want to be a part of it. But I ended up hurting some of my family members that way, so I don't recommend it. Hard as it may be, I suggest you keep them in the loop at least a little, even if they tell you that they don't care.

Have any of you been hurt by your families' feelings about your wedding? How have you overcome any family disapproval?

Adventures of Young-ish Bride, the First in a Series

One of the biggest reasons I wanted to blog for WeddingBee was because I see so many Bees on the boards writing about all the really tough issues they're facing as young-ish brides. I say "young-ish" because I've always been kind've old for my age, but know that I still have parts of my maturity that correspond perfectly with the date on my birth certificate. Many of the other bloggers here are in their mid-20's, which is still not ancient by any stretch, but I think brides who are in their early 20's face a unique set of challenges that I haven't seen talked about much on the blog. So here I am, hoping to ease the young-ish brides' concerns and to let you all know that you're not alone and you're definitely not crazy!

At least we're not that young, right?

(Photo Credit)

I am 22 (although I'm turning the big 2-3 on July 11!), but have the added luck and difficulty of looking like I'm about 16, as you might have noticed from some of my pics. One of the hardest parts of being a young-ish bride that I've encountered is the general negativity I get from people I don't know or barely know when they find out that I'm engaged. About a third of the time, people are enthusiastic and supportive, and the rest of the time, the conversation goes something like this:

New Person I'm Meeting: So what did you do this weekend?

Miss Star: Well, I had an audition and then my fiance and I had a picnic in the park and then --

New Person: --Wait, you have a fiance? You're engaged??

Miss Star: Yep, guilty as charged.

New Person: Holy cow, how old are you?

Miss Star: 22, going on 23...

New Person: Wow, you're SO young. I got married at {insert age here} and it was so {insert unpleasant adjective here}

It got so bad that after about 6 months of being engaged, I would tell people I didn't know very well about my "boyfriend," for fear of having someone else play Debbie Downer on my wedding parade. A few months into that, though, and I realized that I shouldn't have to feel ashamed and went back to standing my ground and talking about my fiance. Now my response to "how old are you??" is "old enough to know bad manners!" It might be a little harsh, but I got so tired of having people I barely knew bringing me down!

One of the most frustrating parts of this is also one of the best parts for my Mr. Star. When he talks about his fiancee and his engagement, he never EVER gets queries about his age! I was so shocked when he told me that a few months ago, because he's only a year older than I am! I'm really glad that people don't bug him about it and make him feel bad. But the idea that it's totally okay for a man to get married young, while a woman marrying young-ish must be desperate and impetuous, really irks me!

I was one of those girls in high school who was bitter at the male race and planned to grow old as a loving cat lady, so the idea that I'm marrying my college sweetheart out of naivete just doesn't fit. I didn't try to get married young, I just found the love of my life when I found him! I know there are other Bees for whom that's true, too! 

I'm really hoping to write several more posts about the issues that young-ish brides are facing, so please comment and tell me about your experiences and what you'd like to hear about!