Honoring our Gay Friends: Decision Time

I posted a few weeks back about a dilemma I was facing in regards to our ceremony: how to honor the fact that our gay friends are not allowed to marry and make it clear that we have not forgotten them in their struggle for equality, while not riling up our more conservative guests to the point that they want to walk out.

I wanted to thank you all for your comments and the respectful dialogue that you all created because it really helped clear my thoughts on the issue and played a big part in the decision that Mr. Star and I made.

Most of you felt that it would be perfectly reasonable to make mention of our beliefs during the ceremony. Those of you who didn't mostly felt that it was due to the fact that a wedding ceremony is not about politics. And I totally agree, weddings should not be about politics. But to us, the issue of gay civil rights is not just a political issue played out on the national political stage while we stand on the sidelines as spectators. It is an issue that affects the day-to-day lives of many of our friends who are being gracious enough to come celebrate our wedding, even as they still fight for the right to have their own.

No one would feel that it was wrong or "too political" to mention the American Cancer Society or to donate towards the fight for a cure if one of our grandfathers had passed away from lung cancer, yet tobacco legislation is a political issue that is hotly contested up on Capitol Hill. So I don't think it's too unreasonable for us to expect some respect for the ideals we feel are important to mention in our wedding ceremony, much like I respect many religious sentiments that I don't agree with when they are incorporated into my friends' wedding ceremonies.

Do I think that it will change people's minds? Maybe, maybe not. Some of Mr. Star's family has become much more accepting of gay people in their lives since they've spent some time with our many gay friends, so who's to say it won't help? And even if it doesn't, we will feel good about making it known that we have not forgotten about, waffled on, or glossed over what we believe is right.

Momma Star and I sat down together to finish sculpting the text of our ceremony together, and while I'm planning on doing a few posts about writing your own ceremony (post-wedding, of course!), I thought I'd share a little excerpt with you all, since you were such a big part of our decision process:

And as we remember those who are not with us today, we also extend a loving welcome to those of us here today who cannot, by law, take the step Kate and Dan are taking today.  Kate and Dan have taken to the streets more than once raising their voices for your cause, and they know an occasion such as this one can be difficult for you to watch. We thank you for sharing in this ceremony anyway.  In a just world, we will all be free to make a lawful, lifetime commitment to our soul mates, no matter who they are.  Kate and Dan commit to continuing in their efforts to see that just world arrive soon.   Kate promises she will sing at your own wedding.  And Dan promises not to.

Rounding out a very serious issue with some humor, respect for others, and a whole lotta hope for the future.

Thank you, each and every one of you who commented, for your input and respect. If only the whole world was as kind and supportive as Weddingbee, it would be a very different place.

What difficult issues did you grapple with when planning your ceremony?

Honoring our Gay Friends

During the process of writing our own ceremony, I've come up against a few logistical issues that have me stumped. One of these is how to acknowledge our many gay friends and our appreciation for their support of an institution that they are not yet allowed to partake in.

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You see, like many others, we have a lot of very special people in our lives who are homosexual. And marriage equality has become an issue that has meant a lot to me in recent years -- Mr. Star and I have participated in many rallies and marches in support of our friends. In fact, when we go to the marriage bureau to apply for our marriage license, it will be bittersweet for us. Sweet, because we will be thrilled to be getting one step closer to being married. Bitter, because the last time we were there was during a protest that many had hoped would change things for the better in New York State.

Most of our family and friends feels as we do, but we do have a few family members who do not. I'm straddling the line between being true to our beliefs and our values on our wedding day and not offending those who don't agree. I want to make our wedding ceremony about us and what we believe, but I'm trying not to be an inconsiderate bride, as well. The line is narrow, indeed.

I'd also love to hear from anyone with the perspective of having been at a wedding when you yourself were not allowed to get married -- would you find a mention of it thoughtful or offensive? I'm just trying to get some feedback about what people think the best way to honor our friends and our beliefs is.

The way I see it, we have one of a few options.

1. Have one of our friends do a reading about it during the ceremony. Something like a short excerpt from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, maybe? Any better ideas?
   
2. Have my stepfather make a short, slightly-veiled reference to everyone being able to marry whomever they choose sometime during the marriage address
   
3. Don't mention it out loud at all and just put a note in the program
   
4. Include it in a toast at the reception and leave it out of the ceremony altogether
5. Avoid the issue and don't mention it at all

If marriage equality is an important issue to you, how have you come up with ways to honor it in your own wedding?

Stepfather = Officiant

Well, it's official: my Stepfather is legally allowed to marry people in the city and state of New York!

Yep, you heard that right, my Stepfather is going to be our wedding officiant!

How did this come about, you may wonder? Well, as many of you may know, it can be pretty tough planning a wedding when you have divorced and remarried parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my stepparents. I always say, why would I be upset to have four parents who love me instead of just two? However, wedding traditions can get a bit sticky when your family tree is anything but tall and straight.

It's even tougher (and also more awesome!) when your Stepfather has been around since you were 15 and has become a major parental figure in your life. Who walks you down the aisle? Who dances with you? Who contributes financially? It's all very complicated.

I tossed around various ideas for months: maybe they could each walk me down the aisle halfway? Maybe one could do the aisle and one could do the dance? Maybe I could walk down the aisle with my mom or by myself and avoid the issue altogether? Nothing seemed right.

One day, an idea dawned on me as I remembered a story my Stepfather once told me about getting himself registered to be a minister with the Universal Life Church way back in the 70's on a lark. For those of you who don't know, anyone can register with the ULC online in order to perform wedding ceremonies. It was how Joey was able to marry Monica and Chandler on Friends, for those of us Friends nerds out there.

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The laws on whether or not ULC ordained ministers can legally perform wedding ceremonies vary widely from state to state, but most accept it no problem and almost all accept it with a little bit of legwork. I did some research on New York State laws and most sources I came across said it wasn't difficult at all, except in New York City -- of course! I was really discouraged by what I read about how strict NYC is about registering officiants, but I am here to tell you it really wasn't difficult at all!

If you are getting married in NYC and want the person of your choice to be able to marry you, all you have to do is:

1. Go to this site and register them with the ULC

2. Then visit the NYC Marriage Bureau site to fill out an online application and print the signature page; have your officiant sign it

3. Within three weeks, mail to the office the following required paperwork at 141 Worth St, NY, NY 10003:

• signed signature page
• $15 check for the NYC registration fee
• all the paperwork the ULC sends you -- ordination certificate, verification letter, and copy of church's articles of incorporation
• and a photocopy of the officiant's driver's license

And voila! Your friend/family member/college roommate is legally allowed to officiate your civil ceremony!

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For us, this is really exciting. We aren't aligned with a particular faith, so we were having a hard time choosing an officiant in the first place. This allows us to have someone really meaningful to us do the marrying! It also gives my Stepfather a role of honor in our big day. And it saved us about $250-300 just by not having to hire an officiant (dress money, hello?)! Possibly the coolest part is that it means we get to write our whole ceremony from start to finish to be exactly what we want it to be. Of course, the downside is that we get to write our whole ceremony! It's been pretty overwhelming working on it, but I know it will be so incredibly rewarding when it's all finished.

Who is marrying you? Will your officiant have special meaning to you? Would you consider having someone special to you do the honors?

Little Puppy, Little Prince

Mr. Star and I have been lucky enough to have had exactly zero wedding-related fights throughout our nearly two year engagement. This is probably because, quite frankly, Mr. Star has been the ideal groom: supportive, interested, terribly excited, and willing to let me craft the wedding into pretty much exactly what I've been envisioning. 

So when he has an idea that he's really got his little heart set on, I just can't turn him down.

Enter: Etsy seller FirstComesLove. We were trolling the wedding vendors on Etsy together one night, early on in the planning stages (I did this a lot, in addition to looking at wedding-related blogs, which helped me enormously in creating a vision). We came across FirstComesLove's ringbearer pillows, which are gorgeous. After a few clicks, Mr. Star pointed to a tiny little doggie-sized ringbearer pillow. The conversation went something like this:

Mr. Star: Aww, look how cute that is! A dog ringbearer would be adorable.

Miss Star: ...Seriously?

Mr. Star: Oh, definitely. Just think about how fun it would be to have our dog there with us on our big day.

Miss Star: Yes, we do love him very much...

Mr. Star: And we don't have any little boys in the family for ringbearer duties, we were just talking about this!

Miss Star: ...

Mr. Star: The pillow is even polka-dotted (boy, does he know me).

Miss star: Welllll...

I hemmed and hawed over it for a few days, wondering what people would think, what people would say. Would people judge us for being the kind of people who included their dog in their wedding party? 

Then I realized how A. insecure and B. selfish I was being. Who cares what other people think, first of all? We're getting married in a theater. If we were worried about what people might say, we've already blown it. And two, Mr. Star has let me do pretty much whatever I wanted to for the wedding without complaint. If he feels so strongly about a specific aspect of the wedding, then he should get his way and I will be happy about it.

So our little ringbearer will be our precious Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Duncan.

He's an absolute love whom we rescued a little over a year ago when we were graduating from college. The funny part of that story is that we were forced to pick him up three weeks before our apartment lease began or risk not getting him, so we hid him in my tiny dorm room without getting caught for almost a month! That gives you an idea of how well-behaved he is (Shhh, don't tell Hofstra).

We ended up buying the ringbearer pillow from Etsy, as well, and it is adorable:

Puppy Star thinks it looks like great fun to chew on, so I'm pretty sure it's destined to become a doggie toy after the wedding! Now we're just trying to decide if we think Puppy Star can make it down the aisle and to Mr. Star (he really, really loves Mr. Star!), or if we need to have one of Mr. Star's brothers walk down with him.

What wedding details have you compromised on to make your Mister happy? Would you ever consider having a non-standard bearer of rings? ;)

(Both photos by me)

Here Comes the Actress...

So after writing all about our reception location drama, you might be wondering where our oh-so-special ceremony site is and why we didn't just opt to have both the ceremony and the reception at our gorgeous loft. Well, there's a very good rationale behind that: we're pretty much in love with the idea of our ceremony site, which just so happens to be a THEATER! I mean, does it get more perfect for us than that?

A lot of people have given me strange looks when I tell them that we're getting married in a theater, but everyone who knows us immediately nods and says, "how perfect for you guys!" We have a couple of reasons behind our decision to A. Not have the ceremony in a church and B. Not have it at the loft.

• For one, both Dan and I were Theatre Majors in college, which is how we met. We've both grown up onstage and I know that I feel most comfortable and right in the world when I'm on a stage performing. So where better to have such a momentous occasion in our lives take place?


• We also picked a theater because neither of us are religious and luckily for us, all of our parents are totally cool with us wanting to make our wedding about us and our marriage, as opposed to about ours or anyone else's religious beliefs. More power to those of you who want a religious ceremony, it's just not us. Theaters originally started out as places of spirituality in Ancient Greece and we feel similarly about their importance today, so it's perfect!


• Also, how many places can you think of where there are already seats that don't need to be rented, set up, or taken down? There's even an aisle down the middle already!

There was only one trouble: I had a terrible time finding a small theater that would allow us to rent the space for just one night! Most theaters want to rent the place out by the week, which makes sense if you're staging a production and need the rehearsal and tech time, but out budget just didn't allow for that luxury. Even the theaters that did allow one night rentals didn't want to rent to us on a Saturday night because that would make it really difficult for them to rent the rest of the weekend out, which I understand. So we finally made the tough call to have the wedding on a Sunday night, thereby being able to work around the theater's Sunday matinee. We chose Columbus Day weekend, since my Dad and Stepmom got married on the Sunday night of that weekend last year and it didn't seem to bother their guests any. Let's just hope we have the same luck!

I searched long and hard for a theater that was the right size and within walking distance of The Soho Loft, our original reception location before all the drama went down with that. I finally found exactly what we were looking for in The Kraine Theatre, pictured above. It's a converted brownstone in the East Village that seats 99 and was willing to let us have Sunday night for just a couple of hundred dollars!

Things were going perfectly. Until our reception location fell through. But don't worry, there's a happy ending ahead!

What wedding scares have you had?

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